allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
