I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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