that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
