I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
