I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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