The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
