The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
