a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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