I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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