Too much gin, very little bucket
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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