Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
