for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
