It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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