When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
