I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
