The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
