based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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