I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
