i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
