I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
