I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
