And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
