I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
