In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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