this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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