Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
