My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
