what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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