wanna go halves on a baby?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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