Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
