i need an iv and a liver transplant
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
