there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
