Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
