We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
