If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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