Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
