textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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