You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
