so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
