I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
