i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
