I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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