Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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