just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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