I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
