After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
