My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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