My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
