Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I will pee on everything he values.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
