There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
